I can't get my life together today, people! Last night I died and went to hag heaven: a gay strip club. Oh, mother has lived, mother has LIVED, children! First of all, I had my boobs OUT and rocked my long and silky hair, so I was getting plenty of love from the kids. Sir Fabulous was concerned that the combination was too much and that people would wonder if I was a real girl, to which I said "Even better!" A few Asian queens and their tranny friend seemed to be unsure, but they went gaga for my twins, so that's what really matters.
If I have never mentioned it before, I am not a great dancer. I am a hell of a lot better than I once was, but I am never the one you will see in the middle of the dance floor going hair. I try to stick to the simple head nodding or hip gyrating more often than not ( I bet I could do a nice slow drag if we EVER did that at parties anymore, hmph). But last night! Child, you knew my butt was from the city of Chicago because I was jukin! I was working them OUT, I even pulled a muscle in my side from dancing so hard!
Three dollar Long Islands, boys telling me my bosom is "fabulous" and 95% naked men...I have seen the light, friends. And I shall return.
As I try to pull my life together, please enjoy part 1 of some new YouTube madness. It ends somewhat abruptly, but I will have part 2 up tomorrow (I have to shoot part 3 again because, true story, I did a serious Eli Porter pause and forgot what I was talking about).
I'm the bess, I deeed it
Sister Toldja
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Where Do We Start
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Chasing "The Cool"
I am so grateful to be up for TWO 2008 Black Weblog Awards: Best Personal Blog and Best Writing In A Blog! I appreciate your votes so very much! Please return one mo' gin to www.blackweblogawards.com to vote for The Beautiful Struggler!
I have heard young "good" Black men complain on many occasions about the number of sisters who pass over them because they aren't "roughnecks". These are usually the nice guys who have a much kinder, gentler appeal than your local street toughs. Not soft brothers, necessarily, but not hard ones either. After hearing a few anecdotes to this effect on the blogosphere lately, I wanted to offer a few points of clarification that may help these gentlemen understand what's not working for them and why.
It is a misconception that all or most Black women are in search of thugs or men with "thug appeal". A friend of mine complained once that he thought all college educated Black women were looking for "brolic thug doctors". That made me laugh, but it wasn’t quite close and there shan't be a cigar. Granted, there is a contingent of women ISO the elusive....or non-existent "educated thug", but those women are in the minority, trust.
There IS something, however, that many Black women are looking for in potential suitors (especially when they are meeting them in a club or bar) and that is what is commonly referred to as swagger. I personally like to call it the cool. You see, coolness is important to Negroes. We are the universally acknowledged purveyors of cool. There is not as much pressure on Black women to have the cool, but there is far more pressure for us to be beautiful (something we have but so much control over), be in shape (we have lots of control over this, though it’s not easy for some) and to have big asses and attractive-if-not-large breasts (we can only control this with silicone. Gross).
Ebony last month did a tribute to the "25 Coolest Brothers Of All Time". They were from varying time periods, some were conventionally handsome, others not so much. But they all have that Black man swagger. That natural ease and confidence.
Say you have a handsome, statuesque fella* of impressive educational and/or professional accomplishments. This dude has an outstanding personality, a crazy sense of humor and a great spirit. However, those character traits just may not shine through in 45 seconds of conversation in a noisy room. Especially if the man in question doesn't have the cool
You can be charming and funny without it, but ultimately, swagger is what most Black women are gonna be initially drawn in by. Especially if you are trying to mack down a woman who has been approached by 10 other men in the past hour. That swagger is what will put you ahead of the other potential suitors. It gives a woman that feeling that even though he is pushing up on you, you still feel like you have to work to be chosen...and it makes you want to do just that.
Sad fact: light skinned men have a natural disadvantage, because our community equates darker skin with authentic Blackness. As swagger is associated with Blackness, lighter men are perceived to be corny by some sisters who need do the knowledge. Light Black women have the same problem when it comes to being checked for authenticity, but it manifests in different ways. I always liked light-complexioned men (I mean, have you SEEN my father?), but a lot of sisters don’t. There loss is my gain (Send me your tired, your weary, your Craig Davids, your Al. B Sure!s and I will gladly clutch them to my bosom and love them tenderly.)
I’m not wholly defending the sisters, but I will say this: I know a lot of the men making these complaints are probably trying to get at the 2 or 3 "baddest" chicks in the club. The same girls who every other man is gonna try to holler at. Now, you can step it up and try re-hone your macking skills, or you can perhaps looks at some of the other girls who are pretty, but may get passed over when the pre-crazy Lauryn Hill or post-video vixen days Lauren London lookalike enters the room.
It’s sucks but most people are frightened by what they need and controlled by what they want. I’m sure I’d be frustrated if I were in these brothers' shoes, knowing that I am a good man and that sisters are constantly bemoaning the lack of good men, yet sleeping on one. But just remember that people see the packaging before they see the package. I'm from the school of "I'm dope and if you're dope, you'll see it", but I also know when it's time to go back to the drawing board and make a few slight edits for clarity, dig me?
Black women are worth the effort. Trust me.
But sisters, I got some words for y'all too. Long overdue ones. Stay tuned!
Holla back, but listen first!
Sister Toldja
Saturday, August 16, 2008
I Worked Really Hard On This!
Ok, so usually I don't post on weekends, but I am making an exception today. This video is so crummy, but I worked too hard on it to just scrap it. It's amazing how someone so smart can also be so stupid. Please don't ask me why I turned the camera that way. In my mind, it seemed like the right thing to do. I don't know why the photo editing software won't let me turn it right-side up, but if you have a laptop you can turn it on it's side. Whatever man, I established my "beautiful mess" swag along time ago. It ain't hard to tell.
I present to you the FIRST ever Sister Toldja video blog:
Yup. And at some point this week, I will present the first GOOD Sister Toldja video blog.
You know you liked it,
Sister Toldja
Friday, August 15, 2008
Five For Friday: Hot Buttered Soul
It feels like we've lost so many of our Soul men in recent years: Luther, Ray, James, Barry and now Issac. It's disheartening to look at the current cadre of Black male crooners compared to their forefathers. In R&B's quest to compete with the "edginess" of Rap, the love and artistry that pioneers like Issac Hayes worked so hard to craft has been abandoned and replaced by "radio friendly" entertainers. I find it absolutely heartbreaking.
Fortunately, there are some brothers who follow in the tradition of REAL Soul singers and musicians. Of course, we have John Legend and the more elusive Maxwell, D'Angelo and Bilal (come back to the world, come back to the world/baby, back to my world). And there are a number of younger and lesser known dudes who will likely leave an indelible mark on the canon of Black American music: Aaron Abernathy of Ab And The Souljourners, Eric Roberson, Raheem Devaughn, etc. But those of us who know about the men who came before need to make it our business to keep their music ALIVE and share it with the youth in hopes that future generations realize where we came from needs to influence where we are going artistically more than what some BET programming director has to say, dig?
Today's Five For Friday is a selection of timeless tunes from our "Black Moses". Highly sampled, never duplicated.
1) Walk On By:
I discovered this song on the Dead Presidents soundtrack when I was in 6th grade. I used to listen to that CD over and over every night. Funny off-topic story: we were having a talent show that yer and I, for some unexplainable reason, decided to audition for it. As a singer. Now mind you, I never in my life have been able to sing, I have a singing voice that is only slightly better than Rihanna's, I had no reason to believe otherwise. Anyway, I decided to do the version of "Where Is The Love" from the DP soundtrack. By myself. Meaning I sang both the male and female verses and the chorus and all the ad libs and no, I didn't get picked for the show.
2) The Look Of Love
Another joint from the Dead Presidents soundtrack, I fell in love with it once again when Jay sampled it for "Can I Live". This is, like, a real grown-ass people song. I can't even imagine how I would feel if I had a suitor suitable for this jawn. Heads are not ready for this one, yo.
3)"Don't You Ever Take Your Love Away"
Another phenomenal song. The intro reminds me of Minnie Ripperton's "Can You Feel What I'm Saying" and Heatwave's "Star Of A Story". Music like this makes the existence of The Dream and T-Pain more unexplainable and depressing than I can cope with.
4)"A Few More Kisses To Go"
Most of y'all should recognize this from Redman and Blackstreet's respective "Tonight's The Night" sampling, but of course nothing compares to the original! "Girl, you're gonna be a full grown woman before this night is through..." Well, I say damn!
5)"Your Love Is So Doggone Good"
The talking at the beginning tickles me a little, but this is such a sexy song. Again, strictly for the grown folks. I myself may not be worthy of this one yet. OK, that's a lie.
Those of us who know need to take it upon ourselves to let our uninformed and younger folks know that music like this exists! We are the descendants of the makers of artistic greatness, not marginal music and embarrassing coonery! Let's honor our brother by keeping his light ALIVE, and not just via samples!
Rise in power, Black Moses!
Have a great weekend, for God loves you and I do too!
Sister Toldja
Thursday, August 14, 2008
We Didn't Know What We Had
I've been really sad about the passing of comedian and actor Bernie Mac these past few days. I knew that his health had been failing for a few years, which lead to the cessation of his sitcom, but I really didn't expect us to lose him at such a young age. I became a real Bernie Mac fan after seeing "The Original Kings Of Comedy". He tore the house down and out shined the rest of 'the court'.
But what really put me over the moon for my fellow Chi-town native was "The Bernie Mac Show". I don't think people ever gave the show enough credit and I would wager to say that it was the best television representation of a Black family since The Cosby Show. Around the time the show premiered,a few other shows had also made an attempt at the same premise: urban Black parents attempting to raise their children in suburban environments. While "The Hughleys" relied on the tired "Black people and White people are soooo different!" routine, "My Wife And Kids" focused more on the husband-wife and parent-child relationships than the family-neighborhood connection (which worked like a charm until the writing went south and the son was rendered a complete goon for laughs).
"The Bernie Mac Show" greatly out shined the other two. It masterfully addressed Mac's relationship with his adopted nieces and nephew and detailed the struggles of he and his wife adjusting to instant parenthood. The kids, taken from Bernie's crackhead sister's care, were not ghetto stereotypes or the typical one note child performers. While fitting some commonly used archetypes (the mean big sister, the nerdy brother, the cute baby girl), they were still fully developed and engaging without the vapidness of Damon Wayans' TV brood. There were plenty of spot-on moments with the mostly White neighbors that illuminated their cultural differences without being cliched about it like "The Hughleys".
For all his jokes about killing the kids and how crazy they drove them, Mac portrayed a sensitive and loving television father unlike any I have ever seen on any show EVER. In fact, because he broke the "fourth wall" addressed the audience directly, he was able to be vulnerable and open in ways we didn't see from Dr. Huxtable. He adored his wife, he loved and accepted his sister's children as his own and he would do anything for his family. For all of our complaints over the years about the lack of positive or honest portrayals of the Black family on television, I don't think many of us realized just how great "The Bernie Mac Show" was.
And what makes Mac's TV family most phenomenal for me is that they were loosely based off his own. He was always very honest about the situation with his sister's drug addiction and how he had stepped up to take care of her children. Instead of portraying a sanitized, funny Black family, Bernie Mac helped put a very real one on the small screen. A family that was loving, charming and relatable to people across socio-economic and ethnic lines. For that I will always be grateful.
Rest in peace, Mac Man! You are loved and always will be!
Sister Toldja
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Slip And Slide
NOTE: Only THREE days left to nominate me for the Black Weblog Awards! CLICK HERE!
Upon hearing the siren's call of the neighborhood ice cream truck, I foolishly took my flip-flop-footed self out the door and quickly down the wet stairs. Too quickly. 
As epic a FAIL as Crystal Pepsi, yet nowhere near as delicious.*
It's okay. Everybody falls down, right? Everybody bleeds. Everybody's dress comes up and shows their panties. Everybody gets dirty. And surely, everybody falls down, bleeds, has their dress come up (showing their panties) and gets dirty in front of the ENTIRE BLOCK, right? Right.
Meanwhile, I will never leave this house again. I don't want to face those people and I know one of the witnesses to my spill will be out their at any given moment. You see, my neighbors NEVER leave the block. Ever. And I can still hear them yelling "OH SHIT" and "WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?" when I fell.Thus, I can't get out of here again without passing one. Thus, I wish Fresh Direct worked with bodegas, cause I will probably run out of food by Friday.
Am I the only one who has irrational thoughts when they get embarrassed? Like, instead of getting upset at yourself, you wanna blame any or anybody else for your pain? Instead of damning myself for running after ice cream not an HOUR after stating that I was gonna lose 15 more pounds by Howard's homecoming, I decided to charge someone else with the responsibility for my fall. I came up with a good list: the person who painted the stairs so shiny that they are always slippery at the first drop of wetness, the ice cream truck driver for not coming before the rain or after the stairs could dry and the BIGGEST culprits: my neighbors, for being outside so damn much! If they could just go indoors for once, they would not have seen me fall! Dammit, I'm getting pissed off thinking about it all over again.
Amateur sketch of the house next door.
Whatever. This probably was payback for me posing in front of some one's 40-inch rims today and giggling. Or taking a friend past the salon that does "Shurrley Tempo" curls and pointing at the sign and laughing for a good two minutes. Or for flirting with a 19-year-old boy yesterday (in my defense, I thought he was 20).
Did you notice how I effectively transferred blame over from myself to the universe? Yes, I'm cool like that.
I should mention that I am on Cloud Ibuprofen right about now and that if my writing is anything like my speaking, I am probably making no sense and I apologize like Anita Baker: somewhat unintelligibly.**
Back to my neighbors. Not only did they make me fall down the stairs, I'm still mad at them for waking me up at the crack of dawn- 9:15 AM, to be exact- on Saturday morning. Some fool pulls up in front of my house with the booming system on FULL BLAST playing.....wait for it...wait for it....Tevin Campbell's "I'm Ready".
Whatup, Blood? Whatup, thug? Whatup, gangsta? No really, what the hell is up?
Not only did this man fail to have his hood pass revoked, he was allowed to run the ish back and play the song three times. Three times. THRICE. Now, I love me some Tevin but the bass on the track actually woke me up. That joint goes harder than half the songs on The Carter III, quite frankly.
I'm moving,
Sister Toldja
*-Um, I tried to find a good picture of someone falling but couldn't. Admire my creativity in a crisis, dammit.
**- What? I love Anita too, but you know she has bad diction! Listen to "Sweet Love"-"The sweeeetaaast dream, I lub you baby staaywiiimeeeandiwiiiiibeeedolldatuuuunnnneeeeddd...."
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
What In The World?
If it is possible to die from cramps, then I am probably a goner within the next hour. Will you reminice over me? My God. Before I jump headfirst in to a fresh bottle of Ibuprofen, I wanted to share a little something with you.
So I get these really strange emails to my thebeautifulstruggler.com e-mail address. Often times, they are press releases for things I never discuss (random celebrities, tech products, etc). I don't even know what this one is supposed to be for, but it's the most ridiculous thing I have seen anywhere in quite a while:
"Is Samuel Jackson Next? Death Comes in Threes..."
Yesterday, it was Bernie Mac. Today it was Isaac Hayes. Could Samuel Jackson be next?
Daryl Toor, president of Attention!, an Atlanta based publicity firm, a former music reviewer and record company executive notes:
"This photograph, taken from Isaac Hayes' official site at http://www.isaachayes.com/myframes.html is as eerie as the time I read a newspaper obituary on its own obituary writer..."
Daryl Toor
CEO & Chief Awareness Officer
dtoor@attentiongroup.com
770-777-9489
www.attentiongroup.com
What in the absolute hell? Why Sam Jack? What did he do to anyone? And there was no picture in the e-mail, nor was there some creepy image on the site? And....what? This is from a MARKETING firm? This is what you all do for a living? WHAT?
Monday, August 11, 2008
Isn't She Creole Anyway?
Good afternoon, friends! Twas a sad, sad weekend in Negronia, was it not? We lost two legends, two men who who made profound contributions to the canon of Black art. I will give them each a proper tribute this week, but I didn't have time to do so yet and I don't think it would be fair to rush it. I planned to salute Bernie Mac today, but Sir Fabulous and I spent the wee hours of the morning joy riding through Brooklyn after I gave him a jump start, after I picked him up from Newark airport. I am still sleep on the inside. I had fun though.
So, people are up in arms because Beyonce looks White in a recent L'Oreal ad.
*Crickets*
I don't know about the rest of you all, but I can't remember a time in which Beyonce wasn't gussied up to look like a White woman. Long blond weave every time you see her, occasional colored contacts. And while there are Black women with all sorts of complexions and hair textures, I feel that the look that Beyonce most heavily relies upon is that of a big-haired Southern White beauty queen. 
Left: Beyonce looking about 5% Whiter than usual.
Right: The picture most media outlets chose to put side by side with the Feria ad, in which she is wearing her "hair" darker than usual and seems to be more tanned than usual. Basically, another picture of her not looking quite like herself.
Most of us have seen Beyonce without makeup or weave. She's a naturally beautiful girl. But while she doesn't have the strongest classically African features, it's obvious that her make-up and hair squad emphasize her more European physical traits.
But, here's the real problem: for all the shock over this L'Oreal ad, do you honestly think we would even know who Beyonce was if great pains had not been made to make her look like a White or "racially ambiguous" woman? While I am not dismissing her singing and dancing abilities (she can't act at ALL) or her beauty, much of the reason that Beyonce is the global phenomenon that she is can be credited to the fact that's Black....but not really Black. White women can look at her and appreciate her beauty as it is in close enough proximity to their own personal standard. White men can lust for her, and not in the hushed tones they need when looking at full-lipped chocolate sisters. Black girls love a fellow beautiful Black girl who can sing and dance, and they've been conditioned to especially love a high yaller gal (or especially hate one). Black men have been similarly conditioned. Put Bey in a video with Shakira (who must get the same reaction from our more conscious Latino bredren) and now the the Latino market can dig it too. Everyone loves Beyonce, an all-American racially ambiguous beauty! The first mixed girl born to two Black parents!
Don't believe me? What was the industry's reaction to Beyonce fatigue? Rihanna.
Subtract 5 pounds of "Indian hair" weave, add green eyes, subtract curves, add "exotic Island sensuality", subtract any and all discernible talent, add psuedo "bad girl swagger"= mega star!
Come on, people! This isn't news. America loves a yaller gal, and Negronia loves one even more! I totally heart Alicia Keys, but remember the the 2001 Grammys when she swept damn near every award and India.Arie went home empty handed? Both of their debut albums were slightly yawntastic with the exception of a few standout cuts. Both girls have beautiful voices and the ability to play an instrument. But only one of those women allows the status quo to remain as is: White beauty as standard.
Would people like Beyonce if she shed the Yaki and donned a short natural? Or even a short straight style? If she didn't have three feet of blonde-God-knows-what glued to her forehead and cascading down her back? Now, with her being 10 years deep in the game, she could probably still hang in there (though most of the blogs would dog her out), but she wouldn't have had a shot in HELL to get where she is now had she came out the gate with an afro-puff or a doobie.
And while we are so horrified at a Whiter-than-usual Beyonce, lest we not forget that it was primarily Black women who acted the complete fool when Usher married a Black woman who dared to be 1) not mixed 2) not high yellow 3) not a size 4 and 5)slightly older. Women who look way more like Mrs. Raymond than Mrs. Carter criticized Tameka's looks and held Beyonce up as the patron saint of beauty are now upset that she looks White.....but she's BEEN looking White! You can't make this stuff up. Tragic-comedy of epic proportions. 
God forbid we say something nice about her.
And don't think for a MINUTE that I am defending Beyonce or L'Oreal, I'm just reminding you that this ain't nothing new for America's favorite Creole and if it weren't, you wouldn't even know who she was. Meanwhile, what I REALLY want to know is what place a woman in a wig has in a HAIRCOLOR ad! You ain't use no Feria on that thing! And Photoshop went to town on her cheeks, did they not?
Save Negronia! Please! We need help!
Sister Toldja
Friday, August 08, 2008
Five For Friday: In The Moment
The other day, I went to a free Jungle Brothers* concert in Red Hook, some bizarre upscale-meets-industrial neighboorhood in Brooklyn where everyone rides a bike and no one knows their way around. 
Amateur sketch of Red Hook, Brooklyn.
Anyway, as I told my older sister my plans to go, she said "Um, do you ever go hear music from your era?" She has chided me in the past for "reliving the 90's as an adult", which I think I am doing a GREAT job at, without having to dress like I stepped off the set of House Party 2 (which is more than I can say for a lot of folks these days). However, while my love for the music of my favorite era (late 80's to late 90's) will never die, I am gonna push myself to get more familiar with some of the latest. Today's FFF are artists who are more current and still manage to get in my daily rotation. Please leave suggestions for other cats worth checking out in the comments section!
1) Kidz In The Hall- "Driving Down The Block"
I salute ANYONE who namechecks both the Howard Marching Band and The Sybaris! The emcee Nawledge is a nice dude from the Chi and the albulm has gotten heavy rotaion in my vehicle for the past few months. I wonder if the dude Double-O is single, he cute!
2) Terrence 'Slickback' Howard- "Sanctuary"
Can I make a confession? I am a little bit terrified of Terrence Howard. He is sexy and scary as hell at the same time. I don't know how to take him! He seems really intense. Like he'd bite you and draw blood, but it wouldn't hurt. He really, really, really scares me. But I like this song. He sounds a lot like his namesake, Terrance Trent D'arby, right?
I shivered the whole time I typed that. I don't know what it is, perhaps the devil eyes**? He looks like he's trying to burn my soul.
3)Solange- "Champagne Chronic Nightcap"
I know this track has been out for a minute, but it's on her forthcoming album and I LOVES it! I was trying to tell cats a year ago to check for Solange, but it seems like people are finally seeing that she's way cooler than her sister. A lot of people are calling "contrived", but I think that her record is gonna be solid.
4) Usher- Here I Stand
I had never purchased an Usher record before Here I Stand, but I (and maybe I alone) LOVE him and his wife together. And that was reason enough for me to support him! Okay, I bought the bootleg, but my heart was in it. And I'm gonna trade up to the real deal eventually, because the RIAA gods frowned on me and I spilled baby oil on it. But still. I was hoping Mr. Raymond would have delivered more ballads now that he's got the grown man status, but I liked a number of tracks on the CD and this was my fave. It's such a beautiful song! I wish him and Tameka luck and I just want to grab that little fat baby of theirs offa the Essence cover and kiss his widdle cheeks!
5) Keite Young f/N'Dambi "If We Were Alone"
I got put on to N'Dambi in high school and I have been a huge fan ever since. She used to sing background for Erykah, but it's evident she's quite an artist in her own right. If you can get a copy of Little Lost Girl's Blues or Tunin' Up And Co-Signing....do it NOW. I am just getting familar with this Keite Young cat, but he reminds me of Bilal a bit. Where the HELL he been, btw?
Y'all don't know how hard I struggled to put this list together. The last CD I bought was Brownstone's "From The Bottom Up" from a street vendor who inexplicably only had 90's music. He musta knew I was coming. Please save me for myself and put me on to some folks!
Have a good weekend,
Sister Toldja
*-Ok, I don't feel right saying it was a Jungle Brothers concert, when Afrika Baby B.A.M wasn't there! I reckon I should have seen that coming, but I was still disappointed.
**-Please tell me I am not the only one who remembers Brian Fellow from SNL? "That goat keep staaaring at me. He got devil eyes!" No? Anybody?
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
Urban Madness
Another True Brooklyn Story for ya....
There is a vacant room in my apartment and my roommate/landlord has asked me to show it to prospective tenants while she is out of town. Most of the interested parties have been non-Black folks who don't seem to have been raised in Black neighborhoods (that was a nice way of putting it, no?): I've spoken to a few White guys, an Asian fellow, a Hispanic dude, etc. Well, yesterday I received a call from a presumably White woman. If her voice had a face, it would look like this:
Not the sort you would imagine faring happily on a block populated by gangbangers, older Black folks and our favorite crackhead, Dawn. Now, we do of course know that there are Black people who are not ethnically identifiable over the phone (don't you LOVE my politically correct terminology?) and Talib Kweli has spoke about "the White voice you use when you handle business". But this young lady proved my predictions correct in under 45 seconds.
Sister Toldja: Hello?
Sally Sue: Hi! I was told to call you and ask about the apartment for rent.
ST: Mmm-hmm.
Sally Sue: I've responded to a ton of ads and I am having a hard time keeping up with them all. Can you tell me where your place is located?
ST: We are in Bed Stuy.
Sally Sue: Um, where?
ST: Bedford Stuyvesant. Bed Stuy.
Sally Sue: Oh, um, okay. Right. Now is that....um, a.....is it an urban area?
ST: (laughs politely, to stifle vomit) Well, of course it's urban. It's Brooklyn, New York CITY.....
Sally Sue: Right, right....oh, um, I have an important call coming in. Can I call you back later?
In case I have any similarly afflicted readers, here's how Random House defines "urban":
1. of, pertaining to, or designating a city or town.
2. living in a city.
3. characteristic of or accustomed to cities; citified: He is an urban type.
But you knew that, didn't you? I know you did. You so smart.
Now, I promise you, my head exploded as soon as I hung up the phone. This woman, this simpleton who was clearly over the age of 20 asked me if Bed Stuy was an "urban" area. Now, if you have not been privy to such White foolishness before, she was trying to ask me if it was a BLACK area. Or more specficially, a GHETTO neighborhood*. Thus, she had absolutely no brain.
You see, if she had half of a clue, she could have got her answer very easily: "Is it a nice area?", "What are your neighbors like?", "Is it a pretty safe place? Is it quiet?", "Is it a mixed neighborhood?" But alas, noooo. Sally Sue was too stupid for that. I knew the second she opened her mouth that she was not a good candidate for our palatial hood digs and I wanted to tell her immediately "You trying to move over here? It's mad stickup kids over here, wordlife! Protect ya neck, dun! Wu-Tang! Wu-Tang" just to make her go away. But alas, I am too good a person for that and I know that our landlord needs to rent this place soon.
One of my biggest gripes about gentrification is this influx of underexposed and sheltered people of socio-cultural privilege infiltrating the sacred spaces of Negronia. And while some (usually those who managed to learn at least a little something about cultural diversity before landing in the hood or those who were from mixed areas to begin with) manage to add positively to the culture of their new diggs, there are far more Sally Sues who make the natives feel like zoo animals being observed by annoyingly simple children. Both Sally Sue and her more enlightened sistren and bredren will see these neighborhoods bend and adjust to their will over time...ugh.
I still can't believe that this girl didn't have the good sense not to use the word "urban". I wasn't using my "professional" voice when I spoke to her and even if I had, both my landlord and I have African names. She really should have had a clue that she she was dealing with Black folks. And no matter who she thought she was dealing with, how could she possibly think that the word "urban"......I can't take it!
By the way, I was NOT a Brooklyn expert when I moved here by any means. I had the names of two neighborhoods I was interested in (Fort Green and the Stuy) and I leaned on Google and Sir Fabulous to do the rest. Sally Sue's dumb self may not have a BK native to help her out, but she found the apartment on the internet....so she SHOULD have the good sense to use the web to research the place she's trying to call home.
I should probably pity this girl, because CLEARLY she is not ready to move to Brooklyn or any major "urban" hub. And she's probably taken a job or enrolled in a school that is going to require her to do just that. Or maybe she saw Brooklyn in a magazine or something and thought it would be cool. Either way, she is at the very least 25% retarded and I hope she ends up somewhere like Green Bay, Wisconsin where she can continue living in her bubble. Or even better, she could go to somebodies college and LEARN something about the people country she lives in. My house is the last place I'd like to see her get that education. I am not in the business of civilizing White folks. I got too much on my plate with my own people as it stands.
I don't think it will be an issue. She ain't calling back.
Makes me want to holla,
Sister Toldja
PS- CLICK HERE TO VOTE FOR ME IN THE 2008 BLACK WEBLOG AWARDS!!!!!!
*-And I don't want anyone making excuses for this girl in the comments section! You can "perhaps" and "maybe" and "consider this" all you want. We KNOW what she meant.
